Would you rather be rational or emotional?
Has the pandemic changed your decision-making process?
23 November 2019, that was the last time I saw my parents (in person). I see them every day, on a screen. I talk to them every day, while we navigate different time zones. We time our meals to capture some family time together, virtually. I express my love through flowers (that wilt away) or gifts (that remain in a box). The love we crave most is being in the same room.
With both of them close to their 50s, reality has hit me harder. I am growing up while they get older. My almost 20-year old sister understands them better than I do at 27. She can see them getting old, she is there when they are scared to let go, she comforts them when they try something new, she is physically around them in times of turmoil. She is the emotional thread they hang by.
To be fair, they don’t hang by a thread. My parents have been the most self-reliant individuals. They made me understand the importance of staying active for my mental health. They push me to pursue new opportunities. They encourage me to take more risks and make my own decisions, rationally. As my sister plans to move to this country soon, the fear of the unknown is creeping in. It has taken a permanent seat in my subconscious mind, and the recurring nightmare has been keeping me up for weeks.
For weeks, I have been waking up with the same nightmare. It might be a different time but it is the same fear — one day I would wake up and they wouldn’t be around. I twist and turn to let that thought go away, some nights I call them up at an odd hour just to make sure they are okay. The fear doesn’t fade.
With the uncertainty of border closures and lack of international flights, I was trying to be more rational than emotional. But what are we, without our emotions?
Every year, I take a trip back home. Although with every passing year, the trip becomes shorter. 40 days, to 3 weeks to the last one which was merely a week. I kept making excuses; “I don’t have enough paid leave, I want to explore new places” but now with the borders shut, I wish I took the trip that I wanted to in February 2020. I wish I took the opportunity to spend time with them, to have karaoke nights with dad, to learn the dishes which mum has perfected over the years, to go for long drives with my cousins, to spend evenings with my uncles and aunts while I listen to their stories.
I knew what I signed up for when I left home but the reality didn’t seep in. I kept feeling, “There’s still time, I can always catch a flight to see them. I can always call them here.” With no foreseen return date, this crippling fear has made it difficult to get out of bed. No matter how hard I try to keep myself busy, distract myself through new hobbies or prioritise other people’s problems before mine; I don’t know how to stay calm while I accept this fear of loss. The loss that I haven’t even encountered but solely the idea of it has been difficult to fathom.
While most of us are aware of this and dealt with the onset of death, the distance between our loved ones seems longer than usual. Months have gone by and so does the span of last seen in person.
More often than usual, we try to be rational beings but this solo time has made me wonder, would it be so bad to let the emotions run wild once in a while?
Why not propose your S.O. instead of waiting for the perfect time? Why not buy that Apple Watch you have been waiting for, instead of validating if you deserve it (I mean if you have the finances in place, you go out there and treat yourself!) Why not book that flight to see your family? (Trust me, I am just waiting for the borders to open.)
Life is too short and you never know, it might just throw a pandemic on your way. So I say, take that damn trip, treat yourself to your favourite food and do the things that you have been putting off on your ‘one day when I have time’ list.
Because what are we humans, without our emotions?
