On pain and poetry

A monologue between the heart and mind on unrequited love

M: So when does it stop?

H: Stop what?

M: Stop hurting. This pain of unrequited love. This constant ache of craving love from someone who never saw the light in you, who never saw how you kept giving every ounce of you only to be left all alone. Does this painful feeling ever vanish? Does there ever come a day where every fleeting moment doesn’t remind you of them?

H: How could it hurt so much? Didn’t you only know them for what, six months? And you met twice?

M: Since when does time define how you felt? Sometimes, spending an hour with someone you don’t love anymore, could feel like a year. I know, I probably fell in love with the idea of this person and what “could have been”. I saw all the red flags in the start but kept weaving a fantasy in my head. I remembered every little detail, his favourite colour, the scotch he loved, the shirt he adored, and how he smelled. How he always looked up to his dad and imbibed those values, how he learnt to be a perfectionist looking at his mum, how he craved the perfect sibling bond with his baby sister but somehow lacked the time he wanted to give everyone that he loved. He was too harsh on himself, outside he wowed the world with his charm but inside he craved love, love that would break his walls.

I tried. I promise I tried to break those walls. I thought I was doing it right, like remembering the little details, checking up on him, giving him the love he looked for would make him love me back. But it wasn’t me. It was never me. I wish I listened to my friends. I wish I really listened to them and stopped calling him sooner. I wish I withdrew myself from this situationship and cut my losses before they turned into unrequited love. For the pain of unrequited love, cuts you deep. The scars take longer to heal than a failed relationship because it was all you. It was only you, it consumed you and all you’re left with is pieces. Broken pieces of your heart that could take months to heal.

I am not mad at him. I am not angry, sad, disappointed — he hurt me but I don’t hate him. He never made any promises. He was always emotionally unavailable and guarded. I was an overthinker and he would never communicate, sometimes for days and weeks. He didn’t know what he wanted and I was okay with that. He would say that he forgot to call me back but the truth is, I was never his #1. Heck, I wasn’t even in his top five. I keep telling myself I wish I knew better but the truth is, I didn’t. I didn’t know what I didn’t want, I didn’t know what I needed.

Meeting him made me realise, I needed more than the idea of someone. I needed someone’s present and future but most importantly their presence. I was ready to weave a story with the two of us but for the longest time, it was only me who was sailing this ship. If I only knew, I was sailing a sinking ship and the only passenger was me. I always wonder if getting an early ticket out would have saved me this heartache but then, I wouldn’t have known what I truly desire. If I wasn’t lacking the love I needed, I wouldn’t have figured out that I do deserve someone better. Cause I do.

It took a while to write this down. I took longer to confess that you did break my heart, unknowingly. What hurts most is that no one would understand this pain, this aching pain of unrequited love with nothing in return. I wish I could tell you in person, how grateful I am to you. I am, truly. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have known the pain of giving endlessly. If I wouldn’t have walked away from you, I would have always felt I’m not enough. I would have associated my self-worth with the validation I got from you. I had to give this love and validation to myself.

So I chose to stay alone, with these thoughts. I chose to sit in the park and stare at the night sky, I watched sappy movies and stupidly cried over the love songs. Maybe I did attach the move to you, not completely but I would be lying if I said I didn’t hope for a happy ending. I thought you had everything that lacked in my failed relationships. Turns out, you were just a shiny rock I saw in a dark tunnel but you weren’t the light. If only I knew, I had to find that light and hope within myself.