Navigating online dating as a confused millennial
As indecisive as our generation might be, the search for a SO on a plethora of apps doesn’t make things easy. Add your late 20s on top of being an immigrant, and there’s your cocktail for crazy dating stories
So I booked my flight to a new city. I know, another situationship, another continent. I don’t know if it’s because I grew up listening to too much Bollywood music but I might be taking this “crossing the seven seas” lyric too seriously. I hope this is it. I hope this time is really it. Because I’m exhausted. I can’t keep up with more favorite childhood memories, whether you’ve daddy or mommy issues, the number of nieces or nephews you have, or even your distant relative’s birthday. Also, traveling is expensive. Dating is expensive.
Talking about dating being expensive, have you ever considered the financial benefits of being married? As much as we ignore it, it’s unfair how society actually rewards you for being a couple.
It’s obviously easier to buy a house/car/get a loan (HELLO, two incomes). Your application is favorably looked upon if you apply for an apartment (I can’t tell you the number of times my rental application went down the pile because of the numerous couples who showed up to inspections with a basket of muffins). You always have someone to bounce off your crazy ideas (especially if you’re someone like me whose only solution while going through a crisis is getting a bad haircut). Also, you don’t have to face the pity party people throw for you when you show up without a plus one for an event.
We’ve been so conditioned to show up as a duo that restaurants still stare at me when I ask for a table for 1. Maybe that’s why people always say they found their better half. Why aren’t we whole as we are, without needing someone to complete us?
I guess this rant is also coming from my current millennial crisis. I turn 29 this month and the fact that my parents are stressing about me getting a year older, still single is not something any child would want to hear. I’m also disappointed that I’ll be single this year but that’s only because I love presents.
I get it, they were conditioned in a society where single people are made to feel less worthy. As diverse and divided as India might be from the infinite languages and variety of tastes you can find in different states, we function as a tribe. As a collectivist society, India greatly emphasizes inter-dependence, co-operating, and living as a family. So much so that when our parents get older, we automatically assume responsibility for taking care of them instead of thinking of an aged care facility.
When you choose not to have a family (i.e. go against the basic trajectory of getting a job, spouse, and having kids) you’re walking a path less chosen. And despite living in another country, I’m as influenced and affected by those societal values as I would have been if I lived there.
So why did I choose to move right? If I’m still bound by those laws and expectations, what is the point of moving across oceans to pursue a new life? Why am I trying every day to prove my worth in this country, a country which doesn’t even speak my mother tongue? A country where I still don’t feel at home after living here for 8 years? Is it because I’ve failed to embrace the culture and accept that I’ll always be an immigrant or is it because I’m too scared to let go of my identity in this amalgamation of cultures?
Even if you and I might know hundreds of people who live abroad, only 3.6% of the world’s population chooses to live as migrants. Merely 3.6% choose to leave their comfort zone in pursuit of a better life, whether the decision was made by will or because they had no choice.
As rosy as it may look on the outside, the life of a migrant is never easy, and what makes it more tricky is this phase of “in-between”. You’ll always have two homes (even more in some cases). You’ll continue to build your social circle over and over again because people always move to greener pastures. You’ll continue to leave Horcruxes in this world. You would spend years in places yet never identify completely with just one place because you carry so much culture and experiences within you. This is probably why I’m struggling with this stage of finding a SO.
I don’t want someone who is too Indian (what is that even) but I‘m also worried I might get bored of someone too foreign. I want someone to understand the little nuances of my culture like why we always need to put one light on when we leave the house but also know the significance of personal space and respecting boundaries in a foreign land. I want them to understand how K3G will always hold a significant place in my heart and also be open to experimenting with 50 different cuisines because of how much I love food. I want someone who loves coffee but can make amazing chai on a rainy day. Someone who knows how I’ll always love festivals back home and not so much the music festivals abroad. Someone who understands how Maggi is pronounced (it’s Ma-gie and not Mad-gey) yet teaches me how to pick a good Bordeaux wine.
I know I’m probably asking a lot from this significant other but then again, isn’t this the most important decision of my life? Doesn’t that dictate the next 30 years of my life’s trajectory and that’s why I rather slow down and pick the right grape instead of going for the first one?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents had it much easier with the whole arranged marriage system. Not in the aspects of them not having a choice, but the fact that too much choice isn’t benefiting us either. This independence and having multiple profiles to pick a partner from different platforms where you’re always competing with different online bios, has made us more confused about what we really want.
The paradox of choice has somehow made us give up the idea of pursuing this path. There are days when I accept that I’m completely okay navigating this life solo (with a golden retriever, of course) but then all I’m looking for is someone who makes 1% more effort to know me. No ghosting, gaslighting or love-bombing, just 1% more.
I guess we’ll have to find out if my effort was all worth the $3k flights and 30+ hours commute. Ideally, it would have been easier if my romantic comedy involved bumping into someone at a grocery store, library check-out, or even rock climbing but until the cupid strikes, we’ll continue to jump through the hurdles of online dating, one swipe at a time.
